My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
The happy life.. 😊
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.