My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
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Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
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And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.