My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
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[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie