Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

😞

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Tough love is true love

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.