Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
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Me too
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
the three branches of government
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?