My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
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Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.