My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.