my client this morning asked if i was sleepy because i have “tired face”
and now i have “sad face”
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[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I have questions??
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.