Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.