My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I like crazy people until they notice me
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.