My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Yup
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no