My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
When I snag the last meatball.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
But wait…
The First Farmer
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
the three branches of government
