My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Chicken bread
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.