Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator