My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
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breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
The happy life.. 😊
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”