Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”