Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The news in a nutshell.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

she has a point

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁