“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
You Might Also Like
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
feetloaf
