“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
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Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
DOOO EEEET
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.