my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
