my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
