My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
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me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*