My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“i miss shittin on people”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….