My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
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Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️