My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Based Erika
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
New comic up. “Ransom”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”