Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

LOL

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

😂

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.