Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.