Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day