My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
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Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
What about second breakfast?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.