My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me trying to reach for my goals
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I have no passwords left in me
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly