My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?