Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

my dog when i have a friend over

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

are there any atheist mantises?

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”