My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
You Might Also Like
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
quarantine day 3
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
i did the math
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now