My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
who wore it better?
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”