My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
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Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars