My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
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Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
problems i need
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
