My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
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Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Remember folks 😂
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg