[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
😭😭😭😭
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”