[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs