Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?