Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

These are too funny not to post 😂

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea