My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
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What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*