My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
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My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*