Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers