Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.