My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?