Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.