My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”