My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
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I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
*Inspirational Tweets*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?