Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is always good for a laugh.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

your daddy is a what now?

same but as an audience member

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

“That’s what” – She

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.