Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

*skinny dips into black hole

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’