Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.