My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
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me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
logging onto twitter…
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Who chose this font
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.