My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
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boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Real 😅
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”