My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Our lord and savoury.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
#Caturday
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
