My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
HR said no more nunchucks.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
