My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Oops
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
