My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
