Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

Mapping America’s Far Right

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

[shakes fist at other fist]

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.