My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
You Might Also Like
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.