My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Good dog. ❤️
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
