My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
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What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
181.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Aaaa…CHOO!
