Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

Basically.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

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