My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
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Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Is anyone gonna tell them?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.