Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Shark week, but for squirrels.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

this got me crying😭😭