My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
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I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
tinder is all about the long game
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans