My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
dude it’s called proctologist
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes