My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
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Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable