My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I miss this era type of pranks😭