My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.