Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Make me look younger

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

Finally! 😈